Today was a hard day. Tonight was even worse. I'm out of town with the kids which means no daddy and I've been sick. Bad combo.
The kids were in the bath after we'd made it through dinner and clean-up time and I was sitting in a little chair reading a book while they played in the water. I peeked over the pages to find them scrubbing each others backs and I let down my guard a little. (I'd been in constant drill sergeant mode for a while). I smiled and thought I guess they are kinda sweet.
Six seconds later a soaking wet wash cloth flew from one of those sweet hands knocking my book out of my hands and onto the floor, instantly soaking the entire thing. They giggled as I jumped up yelling noooooo! and frantically tried to salvage what was now a saturated sponge.
Fastest washings and dressings they have ever gotten.
I did stop once to apologize to Silas and told him I'm really tired and my job of being a mommy has been hard today. But mostly they just got fireball eyes if they tried to put up anything resembling resistance.
I laid the little one down in her pack n play and warned of the dreadful things that would happen if she decided to climb out (which she conveniently learned to do a few nights ago after Daddy left).
This is where the good started to creep in. I was on my way to make my 5th trip downstairs for yet another essential bedtime item when Silas called out to me, Mommy I got my blanket and I'm already in bed. I'll wait for you here until you're done with Madison.
Umm, who are you and what have you done with my son? I ran into his room and kissed his cheeks. I needed that Silas. Thank you.
I finished putting Mash to bed which involved apologizing for being grumpy and her saying I agive you in her tiny voice and hugging and kissing me.
Then I climbed into bed with Silas to read him a story. He looked over at me, our noses almost touching, and said When you were a little girl did GuhGuh (my mom) climb in bed and read to you?
Yes, she did.
Well, when I grow up I'm going to snuggle with my kids and read them a story too! Pause. His chin starts to quiver. But I try to think about what kids I will have and I can't see them and I don't know their names! But I want to know their names!
I stared at his little profile and was taken aback by his desire to know his future children.
Did you know your kids will be my grandkids and I will be their grandma?
He looked at me and smiled and said And Daddy will be their grandpa??
His chin starts to quiver again. But...who will be their mommy? They will need a mommy.
I told him one day he will find a girl who loves Jesus and is kind and gentle. And she will be his kids' mommy and they will be a family.
He smiled and looked up at the ceiling imagining the future. (He later added that his kids will be Parker and Preston (his cousins) but that he really wants free (3) kids because he wants to have a baby like Madison too.)
So here I am, laying in bed typing so I won't forget this. I find myself asking if this is really happening. I know it's been true of every human in the history of mankind but are my little children really going to one day not be little children? It's strange that something so mundane, commonplace, and experienced by an incalculable amount of parents before me seems so impossible.
And finally, I'm praying that my Father would help me to choose grace tomorrow. To stay in the love as I parent. To let go of the ever available anger and irritation. Because I know your heart is for us to love each other. And wherever their future spouses are, will you give them parents that love them well. That teach them to love well. Thank you for leading me. Your love is better than life!